I peed standing up for a week. The results were messy | by Sarah Miller
Jennifer lawrence recently reported to the BBC that she uses a Female Urination Device (FUD) while dressed as Mystique for the X-Men movies. She said, “I can’t sit down, so I have to pee in a funnel, and I just can never do it right. There is no way to do it and not to sink in on yourself. Rumor has it that Lawrence used the GoGirl FUD to accidentally pee on himself, and so can you. I did.
The GoGirl FUD is washedeunder. There are many FUDs on the market. There’s the Shewee, Whiz Freedom, and Gotta Tinkle !, or you can just use a Hopkins FloTool funnel from the auto parts store. Different FUDs offer different functionality, and each has advantages and disadvantages. I ended up with the GoGirl because it looked like it would be a good contender in a full funnel-to-funnel game, and my editor rushed for the extension tube.
After reading JLaw’s woes, I felt like my mission was doomed from the start. I decided that rather than reviewing the GoGirl for its intended uses for women according to their website (camping, skiing, boating, traveling, and avoiding nasty public toilets), I would use it to pee like a man. where men piss. Even the name of the product encouraged me. I started to think about which of my friends would accompany me on my vacation to urinate.
The online reviews of the GoGirl device are fun. A woman peed in her pants when the extension tube loosened and fell into the “pit of doom” (ie the Porta-Potty). Another wrote: “Too soft… you’re going to pee on your hands.” Eventually, I came across the following: “The GoGirl reminds me of a diaphragm: a good idea in theory, but requires forethought, preparation – and ideally, access to a sink. (Otherwise, you’re just carrying a pee-soaked silicone funnel all night.) “
My GoGirl package arrived with the original silicone funnel, instructions, a plastic bag, and a small sheet of toilet paper. I took the pathetic piece of TP as a clue that just shaking off the sticky pee drops, like a guy would, wasn’t an option.
The silicone extension was long, narrow, purple, and spongy. The worst penis ever. My first thought was, where am i supposed to clean this? I thought urine in sinks was generally frowned upon. I went on the internet and learned that I should practice using and cleaning the device in the shower. Whoa, are you gonna pee in the shower? IFL Sciences says it’s better for water conservation.
I pissed like a man all over my bathroom
In my experience, living with a guy means there is pee all over the bathroom. There are exceptions. I ran into a guy I had slept with once and found him peeing while sitting down. His ex-wife had taught him how to get clean. (In Germany it would be called a sitzpinkler.)
I first used my GoGirl to pee in the toilet. I lifted the seat (and put it back down when I was done!). My lens was impeccable – not too splashy. Then I dribbled all over the floor. It’s not thick silicone, so the whole thing is warm and squishy while you pee.
Then there was the shower, to pee and clean at the same time. It was my most successful attempt of the entire company. I tinkled as the shower sprayed. I probably peed on it but can’t confirm. I pissed on myself under ideal conditions.
I pissed like a man on a road trip
Sometimes guys need to pee like truckers ie in a container on the road. My friend Doris thoughtfully let me pee in the backseat of her car on the way to Napa. Not only that, but she also bought a bottle of peach tea so that I could empty it and then fill it with my urine. I put down a trash bag and sat down with just the edge of my butt on the seat. Then I pulled up my dress and pulled my panties apart to position the GoGirl. My bladder was hesitating, and I didn’t pee much, at least that’s what I thought. Peezy easy. I only noticed a small amount of leakage on the bag.
Soon we arrived for lunch at Cindy’s Backstreet Kitchen. I felt a little wet there. It has been a hot day, and I had used a wet toilet to clean myself up after the act. I went up to the bathroom and found that the crotch of my Hanky Panky thong was really wet. I sniffled. It didn’t smell like a BART station. Still, I knew it was pee that had escaped from the back of my funnel. Fortunately for Doris and the other wine lovers, my dress was without pee. I went commando for the rest of the day.
I got annoyed on my first real test drive.
I pissed like a man in the men’s bathroom
I went to a Pride event at the California Academy of Sciences. I was wearing a hot pink wig and a short dress when I made my way to the men’s bathroom to use my GoGirl. I waited for a free urinal and got my things done. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account that a urinal is taller than a toilet (24˝ vs. 17˝). When I went to disconnect the extension tube from the funnel, I did not notice that the urine had not drained properly. I peed all over my left leg, my shoe and the floor. There was already pee on the floor.
Here’s what I learned about men’s toilets: They smell like a litter box, and no one is looking or talking to anyone. Women’s restrooms can be social hubs, but men look like zombies, firmly avoiding eye contact. No one was looking at me, not even when I was washing my hands or using the dryer. I think I heard someone say, “Dude, this is fucked up.” He was probably talking about Trump or Brexit, because I would have felt the sting if he had meant me, right?
I pissed like a man after drinking in a bar
My friends and I were looking for single men in the upscale Oakland neighborhoods. We moved into Drexl, a bar with Skee-Ball and a serious lack of toilets. The queue was long and I wanted to take a pee. I dated my GoGirl and a random guy my friend Kitty easily convinced to join me.
Just beyond a loading dock, at the sight of a dozen smokers and my panties around my knees, we peed together in the parking lot. Before you sent me a hate mail about the stench of street urine, we pissed in a grate under a storm sewer, which was spraying.
No one cared except a smoker, who asked me what I was doing. When I told her we were peeing, she said, “It’s disgusting.” It turns out that smoking is disgusting, so we’re tied.
After completing my last urinating challenge, I looked at the transthetics available to FTMs or gender non-conforming people. I discovered Mr. Fenis and had a serious urge to funnel it. Mr. Fenis, among other options – which IMO says have better names than FUDs (Peecock, Pee-Zee, Mr. Limpy) – is a stand-to-pee device (STP). STPs designed for trans people look like real penises. Mr. Fenis comes in shades of vanilla, olive, beige and chocolate. Like the GoGirl reviews, many reviews say that you are going to pee on yourself a lot using a Mr. Fenis. If I have to pee on myself, I much prefer to do it while taking out a prosthetic penis.
The GoGirl gave power for a minute. I prefer to fight for equal pay. For future opportunities to relieve myself, I will be working on my Kegels and squats.